Unfortunately, my casting couch came with a lot of sag.  SAG San Francisco that is. I always intended to film X’s & O’s (Platonically as it was called during production) as a SAG Modified Low Budget project. There was no way my cast was coming from Backstage West or Craigslist. “Actors are just movable props,” Dov S-S Siemens says in his 2-Day Film School. And tax cuts for the wealthy create mad jobs.

My assigned Screen Actors’ Guild branch was San Francisco due to the fact that I formed my production company, Platonically Productions, LLC, in my home city of San Ramon located in the far East Bay. SAG designates the branch that will oversee your project based on the location of the nearest SAG branch to where your production company was formed NOT WHERE YOUR PRINCIPLE PHOTOGRAPHY WILL TAKE PLACE. This is where I fucked up. If I had known that ahead of time, I would have formed my company in Los Angeles. Notice a theme here? I like living in the Bay Area (granted I live in a city that is less than 20 minutes from I-5 so I’m taking some geographical liberties), but I would never make a film here in any capacity ever again. My experience with SAG SF was the first rusty nail to be pounded into the rotted, wooden casket that holds the decaying corpse that is the San Francisco filmmaking scene.

The two ladies at SAG San Francisco that I had to deal with were the worst. Seriously. They weren’t just b’s. I can deal with those (e.g. my ex-girlfriends). These women were straight up c’s. Believe me, I checked Urban Dictionary, and found no other suitable synonym.

First issue with using SAG San Francisco was that mine was the only feature film they had on their docket that month. My movie was the ONLY (I repeat: only, one, uno y no mas) SAG feature film shooting in the entire Bay Area that month. For you Bay Area filmmakers and SAG actors who might be reading this, just take a second to process that. For a place that considers itself some sort of moviemaking mecca, my low-budget feature film was the only legit project being shot in or around the Bay for 30 days. Oh, I forgot. Bay Area filmmakers are artists in the purest sense. This is a passion. It’s not about money, unions, and paying people for their time, equipment, and services.

My corporate sell-out bad.

And to the card-carrying SAG members living in the Bay, I ask, “Was it worth getting your SAG card after being an extra for three days on Zodiac?” I mean, it’s a cool badge of honor to flash in front of all those loser wannabe actors who missed out on the cattle call for The Pursuit of Happiness, I guess, but how is that $1500 a year in union dues paying off for you? My hunch is that it isn’t.

In LA, a small film like mine would’ve been so off the radar. They have way bigger fish to fry. In San Francisco, I was Free Fucking Willy.

So what this meant for me was that the SAG c’s were on my ass from day 1 of preproduction through the last take of the last shot because they had absolutely nothing else to do. Why were they all up on me? I told them straight up that I wanted to make an authentic Bay Area romantic comedy, but I was going to shoot it in LA with an all-LA cast, which was in essence saying that they and their 3200 members could go take a piss.

SAG SF is located in a really swank building in the Financial District.

I should’ve known my initial meeting wasn’t going to be puppy dogs and ice-cream cones when I checked in with the doorman in the lobby who somberly wished me luck when I told him where I was going. But I couldn’t decipher if it was warning or if that was just who he was and the way he talked. After all, he looked and sounded like the black Abe Vigoda.

I would soon find out that this geriatric mofo knew exactly what I was in for.

Here’s how it went down:

C1: “We have lots of great local actors here. Why are you using LA actors?”

Me: “I’m looking for some experienced actors. We are shooting 100+ pages in 18 days. Look, I’m a first time director, and I really want to…need to…work with actors who have done this before. Plus, I’m looking to get a few recognizable names to help sell the film.”

C2: “We have name actors.”

Me: “I can’t afford Sean Penn.”

C1: “We want to know what payroll service you’ll be using to pay the actors.”

Me: “PES Payroll.”

C2: “We have never heard of them.”

Me: “They are one of the bigger entertainment payroll services in the business. Based out of Burbank. Been in business since 1994. I can send you a link to their website…”

C1: “…It’s okay. We recommend using another payroll service. We recommend using Name Withheld Because I Don’t Want To Give Them Any Business payroll company. It’s a local company and we feel it would be a better choice.”

Me: “Can’t do that. I’ve already filed the necessary paper work with PES.”

C2: “Okay, then we will have PSE…”

Me: “It’s PES…”

C2: “…POS send us the physical checks, and then we will mail them to the actors’ agents.”

Me: “Why? That’s just going to delay the actors receiving their checks.”

C1: “If you’re not going to use a company we’re familiar with, then this is our only recourse. We need to make sure our members get paid.”

Me: “This payroll service came highly recommended by SAG LA.”

C2: “This is not LA. And we have never heard of them.”

C1: “So will you use any San Francisco based actors at all?”

Me: (realizing there was only one right answer): “Yes, I have a big hip-hop sequence in the movie. I will film that here. I will need 50 extras.”

C1: “Background talent.”

Me: “Right. Background talent. I will need 50 talented people to stand in the background. Do you recommend an extras casting company?”

C2: “Background talent casting company. Here is a list of companies that we have worked with.”

Me: “Which one do you recommend?”

C1: “We recommend them all.”

Me: “Which one is the best?”

C1: “You need to do your own research. We can not recommend a specific company.”

Me: “But you had no issue recommending a payroll service.”

C2: “That’s different.”

Me: “How?”

C1: “Moving on. Now let’s talk about the SAG bond. This is the money we hold to ensure that our members get paid. Usually we hold up to 30% of production budget.”

Me: “30%?! But the entire cast salary accounts for less than 15% of the entire budget.”

C2: “It’s standard policy. And anyway, it’s ‘up to 30%’. We agreed to l make it 25% for you.”

Me: “Thanks. I really appreciate that. So let me see if I understand this. The actors get paid from this pool of money and then I will get the left over money once the actors have received their final checks?”

C1 and C2 laugh. They totally reminded me of these two.

C1: “No that’s not how it works at all. This is a bond. We hold the money until the final check is paid to the cast. You pay the actors from the remaining 75% of the production budget. This bond is money set aside for the cast just in case you run out of money during production. We found that many independent SAG projects have money issues.”

Me: “I can see why. They only get to work with 70% of the money they raised.”

C1: “Once the last check clears we will refund the bond six to eight weeks later.”

Me: “Why does it take six to eight weeks?”

C2: “Standard policy. But your bond will be collecting interest.”

Me: “How much interest?”

C1: “You will have to talk to our financial staff about that. Also, about that hip hop scene, who will be performing?”

Me: “Psychokinetics”

C2: “Sy who? Never heard of him. Is he a SAG actor?”

Me: “It’s a two-man group and they’re not SAG actors. But they’re from the Bay Area.”

C1: “Well, that means you will have to Taft-Hartley them. That will be $875 each.”

Me: “What?”

C2: (rolls her eyes as she recites from memory) “Any performer who works as a principal performer for a minimum of one day on a project (film, commercial, TV show, etc.) under a producer’s agreement with SAG, and the performer has been paid at the appropriate SAG daily, three-day, or weekly rate is then considered “SAG-Eligible.” A SAG-Eligible performer may work in other SAG or non-SAG productions up to 30 days, during which that performer is classified as a “Taft-Hartley”. After the 30-day Taft-Hartley period has expired, the performer may not work on any further SAG productions until first joining SAG, by: paying the initiation fee with the first half-year minimum membership dues, and agreeing to abide by the Guild’s rules and bylaws.

C1: “You made no attempt to cast a SAG actor for those parts.”

Me: “But they are playing themselves performing their original song.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

C1: “Sorry. As a SAG signatory, you need to make an effort to hire SAG actors for every role.”

Me: “So you want me to find a SAG actor to lip-synch?”

C2: “That is one possibility. But there are lots of rappers who are members of the Screen Actors Guild. Have you auditioned them? We have come up with a list for you. (handing me a sheet of paper).

The first name and headshot on the list:

TUPAC SHAKUR

Me: “This Tupac guy is from the Bay.”

C1: “See, we do have recognizable actors here.”

C2: “You can have your casting director in LA check the SAG database to see how to contact him.”

Me: “Wow, you have psychics in your database?”

DEAD SILENCE

UP NEXT: AUDITION EDITION

X’s & O’s is available on iTunes, on Amazon, and for $5 through Paypal. Click below. 

If you were going to start a software company and needed to find the best programmers, where would you look? Silicon Valley or Fresno?

Are there amazing coders in the Central Valley? Most possibly. But let’s be honest. There are nowhere near as many as there are in the Bay Area.

Now if you were going to shoot a feature film and needed to find the best cast, where would you look? Los Angeles or San Francisco?

In other words, if this were the analog section of the S.A.T.’s:

San Francisco: Actors :: (A) Fresno: Software Engineers.  Correct!

If you really believe you have computer programming swag, then you’re making the move a couple of hundred of miles north to make your mark working for the big boys. The same applies to thespianism. If you legitimately think you can act, then you’re packing up your 1996 Taurus to become a waitress in Ventura STAR in Hollywood. If you’re trying to make it in software in Fresno, you either are the least ambitious programmer ever, or you really don’t believe your talents translate on the computer screen. The same for actors in San Francisco. They’re either chickenshit or don’t want to admit they don’t have the goods on the big screen. Look, when you’re making no/low budget indies, you’re not going to be attaching established A-list actors to your project, but you have a better chance of finding someone who may become a “name” later on if you cast in LA. This means longevity for your film (more about this in the next blog installment). As members of your cast become more recognizable, there is an opportunity for more people to discover your film. It’s publicity by proxy. Even if that doesn’t happen, by casting out of LA, you increase the probability of working with professional actors because it’s high stakes for actors in LaLa Land. They are all-in. They are going to make it or they are going back home broke and broken. That’s the body of water I want to fish in.

If you cast out of the Bay, the best case scenario is that your lead actress is probably going to be working at the Apple Store in Cupertino five years from now. In San Francisco, acting is like playing nickel slots. You can play forever, never risk anything and tell yourself (and anyone around who’s listening) that you’re a high roller when you win a few bucks or get some free watered down drinks. If you’re a filmmaker or producer and fishing for talent in San Francisco, you’re sticking your pole in a commode and expecting to catch a prize-winning trout. Bless your heart for trying.

Now, I didn’t know this at first. I wanted to shoot and cast in my backyard. I wrote what I thought was a genuine Bay Area romantic comedy, and I didn’t want to compromise any authenticity. BAY AREA HELLA REPRESENT! So I contacted casting directors in and around The City. And going back to the Fresno computer programmer analogy, finding a casting director who could find a young, ethnically-diverse, professional cast with previous credits and experience was like going to a headhunter in Fresno and asking her to find me a college-educated programmer with

3+ years experience building web application front-ends
– Advanced skill coding with HTML/CSS + Javascript skills, using jQuery or related Javascript frameworks
– Work experience with PHP, Python, or Ruby on Rails
– Experience with UI/UX development in consumer web apps
– Knowledge or study of HTML5 and CSS3
– BS in Computer Science, related field of study or equivalent experience
– Experience with Facebook or Twitter API is a big plus

and getting a response from the headhunter saying, “You’re not going to find someone with that kind of resume here, but how about going with someone with Microsoft Office experience instead? I’m sure they would be good enough, right?” I’m not exaggerating. Every casting director I talked to up here said, “You are not going find Asian, Indian, and Black actors let alone a half-Black and half-Latino actress to play an aspiring poet and scientist. How about taking the ethnicity out of the breakdowns and just being happy with finding someone who can even play the roles no matter what their race?” After the fifth casting director, I decided to say “fuck authenticity” (that would be such an ironic T-shirt) and posted my project on the Casting Society of America website. The first response I got was from Dino Ladki who was based out of West Hollywood.

I immediately Internet Movie Databased him. Whoa. The casting director of “Undressed“. That show might be the only thing I actually remember from my college existence. ‘The Lost‘ was making the festival rounds at the time and I had heard a ton about it after it premiered at SXSW. Both of those projects showed that Dino had successfully cast young actors in the same age group as the characters in X’s & O’s (which was tentatively titled ‘Platonically’ at that time).

Click here to view the embedded video.

Anyway, Dino dialed me up. Direct and to the point. Not one question about anything other than budget, schedule and who I had in mind for some of the roles. He told me not to be afraid of naming names. We weren’t going to get them (not for the budget I had), but it would give him an idea as a casting director where I was coming from as a filmmaker. The first name I came up with was Simon Rex for Lorenzo. And that was because he was a friend of a friend, and before he went on to gay pron MTV fame, he used to live in Alameda.

I still had that Bay Area state of mind, I guess. Dino’s response was, “Let me get back to you after I read the script.” I blew it. Out of all the actors I could have named to demonstrate my cinephilic expertise to a casting director, I came up with Simon fucking Rex? Really? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I figured I was back at square one casting wise after my convo with Dino. I got some responses from a few other casting directors in LA, but they were concerned about my budget. The project was too small for them. I appreciated the honesty. Better than hiring someone who was going to mail it in and take the paycheck. Then Dino called again. He read the script and commented, “I was surprised by how good a read it was. Is this your first script?”.  A very nice way of saying, “After we first spoke, I thought you were a cinematic chode, but I dug your script.” 

“Oh, and just so you know,” I said, “I’m over Simon Rex.”

The truth of the matter was, I had sent him the script through my friend. He never got back to me. 

“Uh, okay…want to meet me down here?”

So I met Dino the next week at Barney’s Beanery in West Hollywood. That was the first of 109 round trips I would make from the Bay down to Hollywood in the next two years. Dino made it clear that he wasn’t into flashy restaurants to impress filmmakers. “Save the money for actually making  movies,” he instructed. I totally understood the fiscal practicality, but talk about killing any Hollywood romanticism. Now I have to tell people that I made my first Hollywood business deal in a Barney’s Beanery booth.

But a couple of minutes into our two hour long conversation, it was obvious that Dino got it. He wasn’t just talking about looks and age. He was already talking about character nuances. The first character he brought up was Jane. “She can’t just be a hot bitch. Simon’s too smart to follow her around like a puppy. She has to be hot. Don’t get me wrong, but she’s got to be vulnerable. A little ditzy perhaps. Something that masks her manipulation.” He nailed it. He pretty much described the chick that Jane was based on, the one I was “in love” with for two years whom I never even got to first base with. One time she was drunk off her ass and she pulled me close to her and whispered, “I could never sleep with you because it would ruin our friendship.” I mean, even when she was blowing a .12, she still had enough of her faculties to know that blowing me was a no-no. Completely bent, she still  remembered that my penis was off limits. Talk about the worst kind of muscle memory.

In between sips of beer and some meat product that was fried or slathered in sauce or both, Dino told me what we were going to do.

Dino: We are going to cast out of LA. Maybe New York and Vancouver.

Me: Cool. What about San Francisco?

Dino: *Laugh*

Me: *Trying to play off my lame ass comment laugh*

Dino: That means you’re going to be filming in LA. You don’t want to fly up your entire cast up to San Francisco. Too expensive.

Me: Makes sense.

Meanwhile I’m thinking, “Oh shit! Film here? I’m not cut out for Dirty Hollywood. I’ve never even done a drug in my life. I accidentally snorted powdered sugar when I tried to make beignets once, but that’s as close as I’ve gotten. LA tortures and kills showbiz virgins like me. And my demise was going to be filmed for 18 shooting days (if I even made it to the martini shot). I was about to write, direct, produce and star in my very own snuff film.”

Me: So you think you can do this?

Dino: I know I can. Can you?

Me: I’m up to snuff.

NEXT: SHOPPING FOR A CASTING COUCH

X’s & O’s is available on iTunes, on Amazon, and for $5 through Paypal. Click below. 

X’s & O’s Limited Edition DVD
(with Original Film Festival Artwork)

TWO DVDs + 11 X 17 POSTER FOR $10
1 DVD in case + 1 DVD in eco-friendly sleeve
Only $10 via Paypal (International Shipping Available)
No Paypal Account Required
Digitally Mastered from 35mm
Dolby Digital 5.1
NTSC Region Free (Region 0)
(plays on 97% of all DVD players worldwide and on all computers)
Gag Reel
Deleted Scenes
Theatrical and Festival Trailers
Filmmaker Commentary

X’s & O’s is a hip romantic comedy that takes a humorously genuine look at post-college relationships. A circle of friends in San Francisco finds out the hard way that it is not all hugs and kisses in the game of love and that everyone needs a strategy to score. Bookish biologist Simon (Clayne Crawford – A Walk to Remember) lusts after Jane (Sarah Wright – The House Bunny), a blonde beauty who barely knows he exists. Against the advice of his womanizing best friend, Lorenzo (Warren Christie – Apollo 18), Simon decides to make Jane jealous by dating his lab partner, Trese (Judy Marte – Raising Victor Vargas). But every part of Simon’s plan falls apart, trapping him between the pursuit of a hopeless dream and unexpected, real feelings for someone. Also starring Kel Mitchell (Good Burger, Kenan and Kel), Lynn Chen (Saving Face), Azita Ghanizada (Alphas), Gino Anthony Pesi (Battle: Los Angeles) and Jill Bennett (And Then Came Lola).

With Candice Accola (The Vampire Diaries) featuring her hit song “The Break Up Song” on the X’s & O’s soundtrack.

“This indie romantic comedy comes with a surprising and welcome darkness.”- Jeffrey M. Anderson (Combustible Celluloid)

“A rare breed of romantic comedy that actually dares to be funny.” - Molly Celaschi (2snaps.tv)

An all around fun time and a refreshing change to most one-sided romantic comedies. – Kelsey Zukowski (Film Arcade)

X’s & O’s Retail DVD in Amray Case

Digitally Mastered from 35mm
Dolby Digital 5.1
NTSC Region Free (Region 0)
(plays on 97% of all DVD players worldwide and on all computers)
Gag Reel
Deleted Scenes
Theatrical and Festival Trailers
Filmmaker Commentary